THE THEORY BEHIND REWARDING AND
PUNISHING IN RELATIONSHIPS
Rewarding and punishing affects every aspect of a
woman’s feeling and attraction toward you – value,
investment, and attainability. The reason I’ve included it
here in the section on investment is that you’re going to be
rewarding or punishing a woman’s actions – and thus, her
kind of investment (or, in some cases, her lack of
investment). I don’t really like the term “punishing” and
what we’re doing with women isn’t exactly that per se, but
for the sake of explanation it’s the best term we can use,
so I use it here, with some reservation.
The basic premise of rewarding and punishing is that you
want to encourage and reinforce things you like and that
are good for your interactions that a woman does around
you, and discourage things you don’t like and that are bad
for your interactions that she does. It is a very simple
concept. If a woman does something good, reward her; if
she does something bad, discourage it. Except in reality
men do not always correctly execute this.
What do most men do when women pout and complain?
Most men rush to do whatever it is the woman pouts and
complains about wanting them to do. What does a woman
learn from seeing a man respond that way to her pouting
and complaining? What she learns is, any time she wants
something from her guy, all she has to do is pout and
complain.
Do you think such a man is likely to see less complaining
from his woman after he does what she asks… or more?
The answer’s pretty obvious. People figure out what works,
and they use it. In this case, the woman acted in a
negative manner, and the man gave her what she wanted.
Rather than punish for negative behavior, he rewarded and
reinforced it.
In an ideal world, men would reward women who do nice
things for them. But do most men do this consistently?
Not really. Think of a man whose girl does something really
nice for him – she dresses up very nice one day, or cooks
him a meal far more extravagant than usual. What does he
do? Maybe makes a little comment: “You look great today,
baby,” or, “This is a really good meal.” Some guys won’t
even go that far. Think she feels like she’s been truly
appreciated, or feels a swell of good feelings that might
make her want to do it again?
But what if when his girl dressed up, a guy told her she
looked absolutely gorgeous and elegant, and told her
exactly what he liked about her outfit (the style of the
dress or the way her hair was done), then took her
passionately to bed? Think she’d want to dress up well for
him again?
With an exgirlfriend of mine, when I’d go to her place,
she’d cook me really good food. And I wanted to say
thank you to her and make her feel good, so I’d take her
to bed and give her an amazing night right after. Well, she
came to expect this, and I guess reasonably expected that
the more and better food she gave me, the better a night
she’d get. So one night I came over, and she prepared me
an absolute feast. One of the best meals I’d had – really
tasty bread as an appetizer with loads of butter, some just
amazing chicken, great potatoes, and a giant slab of this
decadent chocolate cake for dessert (I have a weakness
for desserts), with a few big scoops of ice cream on the
side. Afterward, I looked at her and said, “Baby, that was
so good, and I’m so full, I’m going to pass right out.” She
stared at me and firmly said, “Not yet… not til I get my
reward!”
That’s the kind of dynamic you want to be building with
women – one based on rewarding good behavior and
bringing good feelings and happiness and helping each
other feel great into a relationship. It’s how you get women
investing themselves and building devotion and developing
a personal stake in a relationship.
Rewarding and punishing are absolutely crucial to
progressing not only in relationships, but in seduction. If a
girl’s getting to know a guy but realizes she can do or say
rude and unpleasant things and he just lets it slide, she’ll
begin to see him as a weak man and as a man who’s
chasing after her, supplicating to her, and trying too hard
to get her. In other words, a man like that is letting things
pass that a stronger man never would. And, on the flipside,
if she feels unappreciated by a man she’s getting to know,
she tends to view him as lesser to her and not as a strong
man who can make her feel excited, approved of, and
safe.
HOW TO REWARD YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR
GOOD BEHAVIOUR
There are several ways to reward a woman for behavior
you like. The main three are:
.Giving her more attention: focusing your eyes more
intently upon her, leaning in more to listen to her,
opening your body language, or facing her with more
of your body. This is used especially if she says
something interesting or very positive in a
conversation.
Complimenting or qualifying her on things you like: It’s
good to point out qualities and attributes you like in
women. Even if she shows them only intermittently,
make sure to compliment her on them when you do
see them so you encourage her to show them more
frequently. For instance, if a woman seems distracted
during the initial part of your first meet, then perks up
and gives you more attention, you might tell her a few
minutes in, “I like how attentive you are, it’s
refreshing.” (note: the reason you wouldn’t tell her
immediately is that you don’t want to seem to be
reacting to her actions)
Giving her physical affection or stimuli: if a woman
says something engaging, humorous, or does
something nice, like buys you a drink or offers you
some of her food, always take the opportunity to
touch her as you thank her. Touching her does a lot
of good things, including letting her know that you
really do appreciate her, while communicating that
your touch is a good thing and something that is
earned through good behavior by her (important later
for when you want to become intimate – far better
that she views touching you as a reward than as
anything else!).
There are others, but those are the three most effective
ways of rewarding. Rewarding is something
you need to train yourself to do – most people don’t do
this naturally. But it’s just like managers running a business
– the best managers don’t just punish when employees
make mistakes; they build up and reinforce when
employees do a good job. Aim to be a good manager of
your relations with women, and those relations will
improve dramatically.
HOW TO PUNISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR
BAD BEHAVIOUR
Punishing is a bit of a touchy subject. You obviously never
want to tell a woman outright that you reward or punish her
for her actions – she’ll view you as calculating, and hence
manipulative. But you won’t be doing anything here that
women don’t do themselves to men. They picked this
behavior up through years of socializing and relationships.
Eventually it’ll become secondnature to you and no
longer something you think consciously about – I
personally wouldn’t even define what I do with women
anymore as rewarding or punishing, I just tend to get the
kind of behavior I want these days – but for now, while
you’re still learning this, you’re going to have to
consciously reward and punish women’s behavior.
One very important note: punishing must never come off as
reactive, and must never come off as overthetop.
You do not want to seem to be emotionally affected by a
woman’s negative behavior (unless it’s really bad; use your
judgment); rather, you want to communicate that you don’t
have time for unproductive behavior. The word “punishing”
itself is perhaps a little too strong what we’re really
doing is discouraging negative behavior.
Below, you have the two primary ways of doing just that:
Withdrawing attention: when a woman starts behaving
negatively – for instance, she starts making overly
rude / crude jokes about you, or begins implying that
you’re not good enough for her, or starts talking about
lots of different men chasing after her – get bored.
Give her less of your attention. Let your eyes drift
away slightly and glaze over. Slowly lean back in your
seat. Let your interest start fading out and pulling
away. It’s important to seem subtle and not overly
demonstrative – big demonstrations, such as turning
one’s back, often come off as overblown and childish,
and women will only react to them as entertainment
value, rather than the actual fear of losing you. This is
especially important as you become more socially
adept – once you become more of a social veteran,
you must steer yourself toward ever increasing
subtlety.
Being dismissive: when women say things you don’t
like, it’s okay to be dismissive and change the topic.
For instance, if a woman is telling you about her
exboyfriend, then suddenly tells you she thinks all
men are pigs, you might reply with something like,
“[sigh] Only the ones that live in barnyards. So anyway,
what happened after your found out your ex had
another girlfriend?” I also call this “steamrolling”, as
in, “She started saying things that were moving us in
the wrong direction, so I steamrolled them and
moved us back onto something more productive.”
Punishing is important just for the sake not only of showing
a woman you have limits and discouraging negative
behavior from her, but also for keeping things on
track. Women can easily be sidetracked by a negative
emotion that crops up that may have nothing to do with
you – for instance, the two of you may be discussing her
past relationships, and she starts talking about a bad
former boyfriend, then begins making sweeping negative
generalizations about men. That’s something you want to
discourage quickly, then thread cut and move on from.
Letting her dwell on that will only make her start feeling
negatively toward you, so it’s important to discourage it
quickly and move in a positive direction.
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